its so scary! :(

she has read in papers abt many deaths, accidents, suicides etc...she has sympathised, felt bad for their near ones & sometimes even cried...., always as an outsider, who vainly blvd its a different world altogether, & such things cud never happen to her! may b it was ignorance, may b it was optimism, may b it was hope...she doesnt kno wat?!!

but lo! all her blfs seem to b crumblin down all at once:( de coverture of hope no more hides de nude reality of life b4 her! but de sudden realisation that her life too is vulnerable to such heart-breakin experiences seems to 've taken her by surprise, rather...by shock! death baffles her, separation scares her, avulsions terrorize her mind...she knows these r unescapable, unavoidable bitter realities of life, but she doubts if she can muster up enf courage to face such adversties rite on their face, wen needed!

ps: i'm choked for words...emotions engulf me...i cant get myself to complete this today, though i wanna pour my heart out here! hopefully, time shl heal & make me mature enf to accept de harsh realities of life...i'll complete this in a later date :(

frustration speakin out...

my s3 results were out yesterday. i'm very happy abt havin managed to grab a reasonably good score of gpa 8, though its way less(reduced by more than 10%) compared to my prev performance (a whoppingly high 8.9!).

s3 was a very special sem for me as it had de best mix of academic & extra curricular activities for me. de sem which saw lots of changes in me....de sem which saw me thru de makin of a young lady ready to face this world, frm her childishness!(i can c lots of u thinkin - 'oh is she one now?!! we dont still feel so!' hehe....) de sem which witnessed lots of important moments of my life...de sem in which me along with my teammates were selected as de finalists of a tech event at shaastra, de iit-m's tech fest....de sem in which i had de least attendance(got a condonation too...hehe...its cool to've ur name put up in every notice board, as though u r a criminal!)...& thus goes on de long list which makes de sem one of de best i can ever dream of.

i have gained lots more than i lost in marks this sem....

but wat makes me sad is that many of friends, who deserved a lots better score, dint get a fair share of de pie. unfortunately kerala univ seems to b a big gamble, where young students stake their future. luck seems to b de only factor aidin success here. it wudnt b a surprise even if yajnas & poojas where to b held to ensure a gud result frm de kerala univ!

& by de usage 'deservin lots better' there r 2 sects of ppl i refer to - some who jus put in unbelievable efforts & real hard work to crack de system and de other who r genuinely talented. i dont mean to say they r 2 separate non-intersectin sets, but sadly our education sys, which sucks like hell, is doin its best evey single moment to widen de divide.

wat else can u call a system where engineers, who r expected to b creative & skilled, r tested thier memory skills, & only that & nothin more than that! students who 've a reasonably gud memory power & a neat handwritin can easily b one of de top scorin ones, without even havin a basic aptitude for engineerin! & de other few inborn talents out there who wanted to make it big in de engineerin field will get fed up of this damn system & go haywire!

its pitibale to c de buddin engineers bein fed with lessons under a syllabus which hasnt been revised considerably since our forefathers framed de first one...there's an alarmingly drastic difference in de syllabus contents of kerala univ & many leadin universities...there's no effort watsoever from de univ to keep its students updated with de latest technological developments! anyone who gotta succeed gotta survive de fite all alone by his own efforts!

another most painful fact is de declinin standard of teachers available! teachin is no more a noble proffession - even a prostitute mite b more sincere to her job than most of de present day teachers in engineerin colleges. i'm extremely sorry for de strong language used here, but sadly its closer to de truth! teachin is looked at as nothin but a source of income for many, rather than a divine responsiblity of guidin & helpin a student shape his/her future!

there wud of course b counter arguments suggestin that there've been many successful alumni frm here, but isnt kerala univ ashamed to claim it as their acheivement...successful those r de only ones who were smartenf to scrape thru this suckin sys!

its always easy to criticise but hard to present solutions...but doesnt mean we gotta shut up if we dont c any feasible solution...its de voices of many that can kindle a change towards de solution.....

this was a frustrated engineerin student's voice....i can already hear it echoin in de hearts of many.......

bac but not active yet!

to all de bloggers out there, who were forced to assume i'm in de dormant state again by a completely nil bloggin activity for a long time, i'm sorry...its said 'never mess up a sorry with lame excuses' - so shld i?!!!

well, i was ill & down for a while (still sneezin & coughin whie typin this:( sob...sob...)...then there were loads of record works, assignment etc to be completed (ooof! all this paper work is really one hell of a job!) to top it all, we had our internal exams goin on...(hey anyone from my coll who is readin this - i can c that smile on ur face & de quick thot thats flashin in ur minds now - 'though we rarely prepare for these exams, they always top de list of excuses for any inactivity durin this period!!!')

i had an emotionally taxin time too this week...plannin to write on a lot of issues that left me thinkin & wonderin (bcos bloggin is sure a fantastic medium to view how differently like-minded ppl think on various thot provokin issues...but,one more exam to go & with all this sneezin it wud b better i write on another day!)


all this after a short break;) - & this wud sure b lots shorter than de earlier one...hehe

i shld b elated.....but i aint...y??!!!

my best buddy is in love...she has found her soulmate...but i cant make myself rejoice at de happy news...y?? y - i ask myself?!! its obviously not bcos i am jealous of her....its not bcos i feel she has made a bad choice (she is in love with another friend of mine - someone who is too gud to b true....& i cant find any two ppl better made for each other...) its not bcos de news reminds me of de fact that i'm still single (i'm someone who is proud of my single status....it rocks...it really does...)

then wat is it??? y am i not elated at bein able to witness a gr8 turnin point in de life of someone i love so much??!!! i think....i think......i retrospect....where did things go wrong with me? or was i always as saddistic as this???? NO...NO...said my mind....but then wat is it??

after de long retrospection, i realise its jus bcos i'm plain scared.....i'm sure anyone who is readin this is wonderin wat de hell is this gal scared of, wen someone tells her they 've found out their soulmate....well, i ges tellin more abt me wud help in gettin it cleared....

i'm a fun lovin person who loves makin friends a lot & am not too bad at it too;) de complexity & simplicity of human mind gets me perplexed! so friendships r somethin that make me de person i am....but talkin abt 'love', an emotion that mite seem strikingly similar to its pure siblin friendship, it aint somethin that i've ever voted for! its not that i think love is all crap or anythin of that sort, but i dont think it deserves de divine status it enjoys now! if love were to b divine & eternal, then y does it breed such worldly silly feelings as jealousy, greediness, possessiveness etc around it?!!! love is nothin but a bondage frm which there's no escape....love is an addiction, which kills u every second, not even lettin u feel de miserable state u r in! it gets u infactuated/addicted with de feeling so much that u can seldom break apart frm its shrewd web!

i dont advocate a life with no love, but of course i do expect ppl to b more sensible b4 crownin de poison 'love' with a divine status! sure, nothin wud b wat it is, if not for love, but aint it bcos de world is not complete without de satanic forces??!! hehe...

& de heroine of my story, my dear friend, is someone with whom i shared a very gud wavelength match on philosophical topics as this....she too was someone whose head ruled over her heart...well, she was a step too ahead of me in this, by even advocatin against marriage as a noble institution (may b i'll jot down my opinions on that topic & my debates on that with my friends, some other day...) & here comes she, breakin de happy news of fallin in love, out of de blue...i sure am happy for her, but i cant help wonderin, if love can seduce a strong mind as hers to blv that she's in heaven, aint i too vulnerable to de attack?!!! both of us were always proud of de fact that our brains had an upper hand over our hearts in makin any decision, but now that her brain has succumbed to her heart, is it remotely possible for de tragedy to strike me too???

well, de brighter side of de whole thing is that i got to understand life & human mind as it is, in a better way after de incident...it forced me to retrospect & analyse my own life to where it was headin & to where i want to head it to....thanks to her....

my heartfelt wishes for de couple to 've a rockin time together, as they do now...dear, i still love u & respect u for all de brainstormin discussions we enjoyed havin on various topics...i kno we r out of phase on our views on some topics now, but it makes de least difference to de beautiful friendship we share....

wonderin if i too wud b engulfed someday by this toxic 'love'....

signin off....

Renaissance ;)

bac to de blog world again....its de third blog world i'm creatin for myself...u mite b wonderin if i've mde a hobby out of it - but there's a long reasonin behind de silly act!

wen i had first heard abt de whole new idea of bloggin, i was so excited to 've an online page to pour my ideas into & keep in touch with ppl all over de world, that i created asap this online personal diary of mine....but it was too personal that i never revealed once, my identity on it & never let de link leak to anyone whom i knew(for it was real personal crap! hehe...) new brooms sweep gr8....but slowly de interest dropped, my bloggin frequency almost dropped to nil! de second revived effort too was not a long lastin one!!

but this time i really hope to keep up bein a regular blogger...it sure is a revolutionary concept of sharin of ideas, to which i wudnt wanna b an outsider....

happy bloggin.....